Stealing a Shower

Stealing a shower. It's not as bad as it sounds, it's more like borrowing a shower. When I do occasionally make it to a city with a friend that I can crash with one of the first questions is always, "How do you shower on the road?"

The truth is I haven't had to go more than 4 days without one yet, which I think is pretty remarkable. 6 month cross country roadtrip, sleeping in the back of a bus, cooking with a portable stove, freezing my ass off huddled in my sleeping bag most nights, but I can always find a nice hot shower.

"How?" you ask.

It is actually quite simple, just takes a little bit of patience. It goes like this;

"Welcome to 24 Hour Fitness (or any other random gym)!" says the front desk attendant.

"Hey there, so, I just moved to town and I was thinking about getting a membership!" I say with a big smile.

"Great!" replies the polo shirt-clad employee. "Let me just call up our membership associate."

I twiddle my thumbs, scan the gym, feigning genuine interest and curiosity. Then, and this is the case 95% of the time, a juiced-out, veiny, super tanned gentleman with spiked hair comes to greet me by attempting to break all of the bones in my hand.

Recognizing me as another male human being, and therefore competition in the land of steroid saturated brain cells, he almost yells,

"Hey Bro! Name's Ryan.. let's take a tour!"

This is the part where patience comes in handy. "So over here we have the cardio equipment, standard stuff really, but our cardio machines have individual T.V.'s built into them! Nobody has this!"

Everybody has it.

Then, as if he is having trouble walking, Ryan waddles over to the free-weight area, bobbing his head not unlike the way a pigeon walks, flexing in the mirror for good measure.

"So, dude, this is like, like my second home. Free weights, it's what I'm all about. I love it!"

I can't tell at this point whether or not he has noticed that he looks like Atlas. That he actually stands out in a crowd, not in a good way but in an almost circus-freak way. Of course he's all about free weights, in fact that is probably all he is ever about.. But I digress, I am on a mission.

"So what are your prices like?" I ask, "you know, I'm on a budget."

My budget for gym memberships and showers during the trip: $0

"$80 initiation fee, then $25 a month after that, but were having a deal! (They always are) If you sign up today, we will drop the initiation fee to only $50!"

"Whoa!" I blurt out. "I know, right?!" he gushes, completely missing my sarcasm.

It is usually here, after a 10-15 minute tour, that I ask the question that will determine my level of sanitation for the next few days. "So Ryan, I really like what I see here, I could definitely see myself joining, but I have to say, I don't know how comfortable I am joining a gym without trying out the facilities first. What can you do for me?" I've gotten really good at this last part over the past 3 months.

Ryan, lowering his voice because we are apparently on a team now, replies, "I totally know what you mean bud, totally know. You don't buy the car without test-driving it first right?!"

Ryan takes a big, deep, dramatic breath, looks over his shoulder, and finally, in a near whisper, "I can let you try it out today. But when your done come find me and we'll talk business!"

"Deal!" I reply to my new best friend. After my workout and a much appreciated hot shower, I cram my headphones into my ears and make a dash for the door. I couldn't bear breaking Ryan's over-worked little heart.